YORK

You know when you go shopping in a different city, just for a change of scenery? And you're not really all that familiar with your surroundings, but still manage to get out-noobed by the locals?

I HATE SLOW WALKERS. People who stop and longingly gaze into a shop window full well knowing there's people behind them trying to get past. People who walk so slow and meander just to stop you from getting around you. People with pushchairs and kids that really should be on leashes. Just people in general. If it didn't make me sound like a total nutjob, I'd say it was a conspiracy against me being able to walk more than 0.2mph.

So... Rant over! Now onto the good bits: Went to York with Paul today for a bit of retail therapy, seeing as though yesterday was payday. It was nice just to get out and not see the same old stuff. Bought some pretty underwear to go with my dress that I'm wearing to the summer ball, seeing as though anything of any colour other than nude seems to show right through the dress!

Oh, and I have 6 days to try and even out this horrid T-Shirt tan I seem to have acquired unknowingly. So Paul and I popped into Boots to get some advise (Ok, I actually may have dragged him. Possibly kicking and screaming, but that's neither here nor there). 

Along came this lovely lass who asked me how much I was looking to spend. After I'd explained that I didn't want to spend much, she ushered us over to the expensive St. Tropez Self-Tanning stuff and proceeded to try and sell it to me. Oh gee... Why didn't I see that one coming?! After about 10 minutes of her trying her hardest to sell it to me, I was exhausted and out of objections, so ended up buying the damn stuff.

Now I'm a self-tan virgin - Being naturally brown I never thought I'd need to resort to something like this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So here's hoping I don't turn into a real like Oompa Loompa...

The fear is in me.

-B x

OVER IT.

Right, seeing as though I've indulged in the deepest, darkest emo depth of my soul, I'm now indulging in my, quite frankly, brilliant Jewelry making side.

Check out my newest creations on Etsy! Here's a glimpse... And yes, I know, I'm an awesome photographer too ;)

 

So what d'ya think so far? :D 

-Bini xx 

A bit of truth.

Ok here's the deal. I want a lot of things but don't know how to get them. 

I dream big but in reality do very little. I build up the motivation and 

somewhere between gaining the courage and actually doing something, I 

flounder and self-doubt decides it want to mutilate me from the inside out. 

I want what everyone else does - A happy life filled with people I love, and 

people that love me back. It's something I've never really had but figure I

deserve to. Those who know anything about me know what a tough family life 

I've had, and having to cut as many ties as possible just to keep my sanity is 

a double edged sword. Family is family, right? No matter how much I say I 

don't care, I always will. I figure that's going to be my main downfall. Yes, 

I'm a moron for doing this. I can't help that! 

I want a family of my own. But I'm scared I'd make a terrible wife or mother 

because I lack any real parental influences. It's the whole "I swear I'll be 

better than my own parents!" thing - But then my good old buddy self doubt 

creeps in again. How am I ever going to look after a family of my own if I 

can't even look after myself? I wanna karate chop self-doubt, the mofo. 

I'm scared I'll just end up alone because the idea of someone loving me 

unconditionally sounds just left of batshit insane. I've never had a really 

close friend before because everyone leaves - I've yet to find someone who 

will stick by me through thick and thin... Is it any surprise that I think this 

way when my own family can't even muster up half a rabbit shit? I've gotten

used to being let down - Which is pretty sad in itself. I shouldn't have to be

used to this. 

But they say that friends are the family you make for yourself. I'm socially 

awkward/retarded and these things don't come easily to me at all but I try. 

I'm skeptical and always look at the negatives, and assume that anything 

positive happens just so something bad can happen later. So I keep myself 

distanced. My bad. Despite this, I try to keep a smile on my face because I 

hear a nice cheerful smile attracts people to you. But what then? Circles I'm

swimming in. 

Aaaand there you have it. A tiny insight into the fucked up mind of Bini. It 

probably makes zero sense to anyone else, but I needed to get it out there, 

so indulge me this once, k? :)

Anyone got the number of a good therapist?

-B xx

The desire

... The desire to eat isn't strong lately. Not sure what's up but the thought of food makes me want to upchuck. This is all I've eaten in the last two days:

Yesterday:
A yogurt
A couple biscuits
A tiny slice of lemon merangue pie (Jayney at work brought it in for Jiblets who's leaving us this week)
Two bites of my turkey salad sandwich
Two coffees and water.

Today:
a small slice of Company Director Bob's 60th birthday cake
A tomato sausage roll
An apple
A banana
One coffee and water.

I really should force myself to eat more but damn, I just don't feel hungry! I do feel tired and sick a lot of the time though.

Might force a noodle stir-fry down my neck later. If I can pair it with some spicy thai prawn fishcakes then it sounds kind of appetising. I'll probably get up off my ass to make it and get to the fridge before the overwhelming desire to puke takes over and removes me from the kitchen to the bathroom.

Ole!

-B xx

Another one of those days

Just makes you want to tear your hair out!

You wonder how some people can get away with all the crap that they cause and not give a second thought to the victims involved. Today was one of those days where I had to try my damn hardest to bite my tongue, otherwise I'd have released all of hells motherfucking demons loose onto this person.

That's right - I held my tongue! That must mean I'm growing up ;)

Still, one day of keeping my thoughts to myself isn't going to cut it. If I'm going to continue having to experience the severe amount of bullshit being flaunted in my face on a daily basis, I'm going to have to learn something called tact. Or just learn how to block it all out. Either way, it's going to be interesting.

*************

Oh and hey, guess what! Found out my ignorant C U Next Tuesday of a father IS actually around - He's alive and well, just being himself and has the grump on with me for some fucked up reason. Yes, he's clearly screwed in the head, seeing as though the last contact I had with him was a text to wish him Happy Birthday back on March 6th. Nothing since then. I guess being a good daughter and remembering his birthday must have really. pissed. him. off. Grumble grumble.

Oh, and to make things more interesting... Remember my cousins wedding that I told ya'lls about a few journal entries ago? WEEEELP... Turns out that they sent an invite to my dad, who just never bothered to pass it on to me. You'd have thought they'd have called or text me, or heck, even facebooked me to ask why I didn't RSVP.... But alas, once again I find that the Chohan Clan are a bunch of tossers.

Anyone want a brown daughter? I'm 5'2" and can make excellent toast...