A bit of truth.

Ok here's the deal. I want a lot of things but don't know how to get them. 

I dream big but in reality do very little. I build up the motivation and 

somewhere between gaining the courage and actually doing something, I 

flounder and self-doubt decides it want to mutilate me from the inside out. 

I want what everyone else does - A happy life filled with people I love, and 

people that love me back. It's something I've never really had but figure I

deserve to. Those who know anything about me know what a tough family life 

I've had, and having to cut as many ties as possible just to keep my sanity is 

a double edged sword. Family is family, right? No matter how much I say I 

don't care, I always will. I figure that's going to be my main downfall. Yes, 

I'm a moron for doing this. I can't help that! 

I want a family of my own. But I'm scared I'd make a terrible wife or mother 

because I lack any real parental influences. It's the whole "I swear I'll be 

better than my own parents!" thing - But then my good old buddy self doubt 

creeps in again. How am I ever going to look after a family of my own if I 

can't even look after myself? I wanna karate chop self-doubt, the mofo. 

I'm scared I'll just end up alone because the idea of someone loving me 

unconditionally sounds just left of batshit insane. I've never had a really 

close friend before because everyone leaves - I've yet to find someone who 

will stick by me through thick and thin... Is it any surprise that I think this 

way when my own family can't even muster up half a rabbit shit? I've gotten

used to being let down - Which is pretty sad in itself. I shouldn't have to be

used to this. 

But they say that friends are the family you make for yourself. I'm socially 

awkward/retarded and these things don't come easily to me at all but I try. 

I'm skeptical and always look at the negatives, and assume that anything 

positive happens just so something bad can happen later. So I keep myself 

distanced. My bad. Despite this, I try to keep a smile on my face because I 

hear a nice cheerful smile attracts people to you. But what then? Circles I'm

swimming in. 

Aaaand there you have it. A tiny insight into the fucked up mind of Bini. It 

probably makes zero sense to anyone else, but I needed to get it out there, 

so indulge me this once, k? :)

Anyone got the number of a good therapist?

-B xx